The Emerald City

This is the topic that really got the rants thing going. I really struck some chords with this nonsense. Imagine, grown men who play with dolls getting their panties in a wad when I call their hobby "gay". Hell, "gay" is just a synonym for "happy" or "fun".....

This whole scenario got going when some gay doll fans began recommending that we study Dragon Action dolls more closely in order to improve the accuracy of our reproduction uniforms and gear. Naturally, I was quite receptive to the idea of blowing off my original SS zeltbahns and referring instead to the poly cotton camo tissues worn by SS Unterscharfuhrer Sammenmeister the pint sized nazi dildo....

I replied with my usual tact. 

Action Figures Part I:

They aren't dolls! They are Action Figures! 
Bull****. My authority?
Websters. Read it and weep.

Main Entry: doll  Pronunciation: 'däl, 'dol Function: noun Etymology: probably from Doll, nickname for Dorothy Date: circa 1700 1 : a small-scale figure of a human being used especially as a child's plaything

"Action figure" conjures up images of things and events that would arouse Freddie Mercury or Truman Capote. Don't try to hide behind the cloak of "preserving history". German soldiers weren't plastic. Barbie is a historical figure as well. The all-American bimbo. 

Why should I temper my opinion about these silly things? You gonna send the Barbie battalion to assault my house? Is Heinz going to get pissy and become a martyr for doll lovers everywhere...? I hope your dog gets into your "war room" and gnaws all their heads off. Fruitcakes.

 

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The Rant Part II: 
Action Figure Re-enactors

Caution! This one is getting out of control; if you aren't a fan of off-color humor, skip the "Click Here" link. It's not quite porn, but it's a little on the "alternative" side. 
It may offend some committed church goers or guys with orientation issues.

"Action Figures" are gay. The detail and all is kind of cool, for a few minutes. If you have a couple, that's no big deal. (There were a few in the office, but we learned a new voodoo ritual from the Discovery channel and sacrificed them last week. Worked great! My neighbor's hair fell out and her cat died right on time.) Anyway, the problem I have is with the loonies who collect and obsess over these damned dolls. Much less dare to complain that our jump jacket doesn't match "Vinny the BAR gunner's". Get a life! 
Yes, I had G.I. Joes as a kid. By the time I was 12, they had all been immolated, beheaded, crushed, mutilated and ethnically cleansed so completely as to render them unrecognizable. We didn't ask Dad to build a spare room to enshrine them. Just so you know that I know sick when I see it, I played with roadkill too, but we put it in our friends' cars for gags--we didn't shag it. (Dahmer got off on the wrong foot somewhere.) 
I don't give a hoot in hell how cool the reinforcing on your doll's M42 uniform looks. Perhaps I'm the one with the personal problem, but grown men drooling and having tizzy fits over dolls is...I don't know what. It's not gay. That's too subtle. Repressed Plushyism....?
Don't start. There is no defense. Grown men with rooms full of "Action Figures"...
"Action Figures" with names. Anxiously anticipating the introduction of a new "personality". Some of these nutjobs think that they are real people or some such.
That's downright creepy. Can you say "issues"?
And let's talk semantics. "Action"? WTF??? Where's the action? It's a plastic doll dammit. It's about as active and exciting as a pet rock. How the hell does that translate into "action"? My ex-girlfriend's older sister once had a lover named "Mr. Plastic" that she kept in her drawer....but at least Mr. P had batteries and a motor of some kind.
Hmmmm...do a roll, crank up the lava lamp, and warm up the Crisco...now we're talking...I get it. It's the pinnacle of desperation. 
"Scharfuhrer Lochfresser...you look so manly in those new jackboots...take me! "
I'm a sick twisted bastard, but even I draw the line with partners who lack a pulse.
News Flash! Did you guys see the new line of "action troopers"?
The ultimate "action figure". Features interchangeable parts, serially number dog tags (Yee-haw! collectable!!!), 13 inches of action.
This just gets better and better....
But I can't seem to find the new 44 dot uniform on the site...maybe it's not out yet.

Action Dolls Part III

Those Damned Dolls Part III:

Seems I've ruffled some Action Figure Collector's feathers, insulting their men and all. Let's get something straight. I never said in any way, that particularly from the point of view of the average citizen, reenacting wasn't rather nuts itself. As one doll collector forum member put it "Joe six pack running through the woods dressed like a nazi*...." Objectively speaking, grown men, who spend thousands of dollars to dress up like nazis and paratroopers and then run about the forest shooting blanks at one another....then arguing about who "got" who...or who has the prettiest outfit...it's decidedly goofy. That there aren't more divorces than there already are is an indicator that true love and understanding still exist; despite MTV's attempt to convince us that only gay people (or anyone who fornicates with some thing or organism that causes them to be ridiculed) are capable of loving their mate despite his, her or its shortcomings. 
I know that Action Figure fans (I'd abbreviate it, but typing "action" makes me feel all warm and fuzzy...don't know why) aren't all a pack a wild eyed plushies. Just like reenacting, there those who are in touch with reality and then there's "the others." 
In a comparison of the extremes in both hobbies, it's the extent and silliness of the dolly fantasy that gets me. On a scale of one to ten, reenacting scores at least a 5 on the weirdo meter. Man-Action-doll worship is an 8 or 9. "Why??" you huff. 
Here's an example: Oberfuhrer Heinz the "action" dolly cannot talk. He can't die. He can't bleed. His weapons aren't real. He doesn't crap, pee, spit, eat, stink or oogle girls. He doesn't make a peep when the ****er Spaniel gnaws his head off. I've never seen one of them do anything except except fall off a shelf. He's 10 inches tall for Christ's sake. Where's the "action"??? Gary Coleman dressed up as a member of the LAH honor guard is less ridiculous. (Albeit marginally.) 
Graphic illustration: 42 year-old dude....sitting on the floor of the den making bang-bang noises, squawking "Acktoong! Pansser! Action stations Heinz!"...pausing to push the plastic behemoth across the carpet..."Clankety-clank...vrroooommmmm." "Kaappooommm!" 
"Congratulations Heinz! Du bist mein Held! Das war ein gut shot mit dem der panzer foost! Du hast ein Panzervernichtungs Badge gewonnen! Heil Hitler!" ....Like Eric Cartman's tea party. Except Cartman is 8. 
Compare said scenario to an equivalent one at a reenactment. True, the guy's name probably isn't Heinz (but it could be). He's not German. But he is a real homo sapien. He can die. He can bleed. The War has been over for 60 years and he may not realize it...but if he were teleported back in time...he might very well get to fight. The battle is taking place in Indiana, instead of France. But at least it is outside, not on a shag rug made in Dalton Ga.. The "Panzer" is real. It's heavy, noisy, and could kill him if his dumb ass trips while he's trying to lay a plastic Tellermine on the track. 
Both hobbies can get more than a little goofy, BUT: 
Reenacting: The guns are real. The people are real. The tanks are real. They're a few decades too late, they're too well fed, the bullets aren't there, the citizenship is sometimes incorrect, and the location is wrong.But all except the first point could be corrected if you want to get hard-core. 
Dollies: "Doll" says it all......no more need be said.

"You're just being mean to action doll fans 'cause you make all dat money off da nazis and paratroopers."
Not exactly. We could carry nazi action dolls (and their accessories!) and make loot that way too. (The distributors have contacted us several times to offer.) But not as long as I own this company. The only thing I might do with the damned things is impale a few dozen on tobacco stakes and line the drive with them...like Vlad Dracul. THAT would be cool. 
"I'll never buy anything from you. You don't appreciate your customers. You're such a fag."
It's a free world. Not a problem. You have every right to get pissy. I am indeed utterly tactless and lacking in compassion when relating to certain enthusiast minorities. We don't make doll clothes anyway, so I doubt we carry anything you'd want. As for my "partner preference"....I'm not the one with a room full of little men. Little "action" men. With names. 
Remember..the doll fans started this little furball...by insinuating that our stuff would be more accurate if we paid attention to the newest offering from Dragon. Stuck their paws in my cage so to speak....
* "Nazi" may get the Living Historians of German Military History upset. Don't lecture me. (I've been in the LAH for 22 years. So I'm one too.) I'm being sarcastic (OK, obnoxious) and talking about public perceptions. Remember, even the most liberally minded Heer infantryman has a minimum of 2 swastikas on his uniform. Try strutting into Olive Garden on a Friday night (No, not on reenactor appreciation night) and what will they say....
A. "Look Honey..a German Landser! How marvelous! " 
B. "Hey, get a load of the nazi dude."
C. "Did you just get back from I-rak?."